Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A Mother's Plea!

"Dear Father, bless my child that she may not be alone..."


Today I am really struggling. I am not sure if it is hormones or what, but I am having a hard time today! The worst part of it all, is that I am grieving for my daughter. My heart aches because I cannot provide for her a sibling to have as constant companionship or a friend to play with. I guess it has been a series of events that have led me to this point, so I guess to get this off of my chest, I will explain.

Moment 1- Sometimes Shaeler can be a little stubborn at times and will have some difficulties playing or sharing or has to get her way. Let me remind you, she is 3 years old. A comment I get occasionally is that "well, she's an only child and they can get to be spoiled brats." Ouch! That one hurts on multiple levels. I do agree that yes, she does get her way at home, but what am I suppose to do? Also, if you knew me, you would know that we are trying to add another family member, and statements like that make me feel like a failure. Trust me, this is not a choice that she is an only child.

Moment 2- This morning Shaeler was playing in her bedroom and she has imaginary friends. I thought to myself, alright, she is so creative, she has imaginary friends. And then I broke down because if I could give her anything in the world, it would be a little brother or sister for companionship so she wouldn't have to pretend. Again, I grieve because I cannot provide that for her at this time. It's ok, she doesn't know any better. I guess this is one of the few times that the phrase "ïgnorance is bliss" is acceptable.

Moment 3- Last night I was at Enrichment and talking with a few of the other moms in the ward. One mom has a daughter Shaelers age and her daughter is just a hoot. She was talking about how all of her children have kind of rubbed off on their youngest daughter and she believes has shaped her into the little character she is. I was so envious of her talking about her children and how they take care of each other and affect each other. Again, something that I just cannot provide at this time for Shaeler.

Yes, she does have cousins, but there is a huge age gap and they are moving on with their lives into the teenage things. I cannot express to you how my heart aches when Shaeler is thrown out of a room or told to leave and she comes running to me crying. I guess this may be a touchy issue for me because of the loneliness issues that I deal with. And on their behalf, they are older and have every right to do the older kid things.

I prayed this morning, pleaing with God to put my wants aside and to please bless Shaeler with the blessings she deserves. Maybe I am being too down or selfish today, but I have to remind myself that these are the trials I probably asked for.

One positive hope is that another one of my friends talked to me last night and said that her friend knew a girl that was looking for an open adoption. She said that she said my name. I could have jumped up and kissed her. I figured that when I tell people that we are trying to adopt that they just say Congratulations and move on with their lives. It touched me that she remembered me and said my name. I am extremely grateful just for the thought.

Ok, I feel a little bit better now! I guess I just needed to express my thoughts and let it out! Thank you for bearing with me on that and I promise that I will do much better today!

8 comments:

Jenice Henrie said...

I have so many things that I want to say to comfort you, but in a nut shell, she has you. She doesn't know what she is missing and when she is lonely she has you, so there is no void for her. She doesn't know any difference and is a happy, awesome three-year-old that loves everything. Stay happy and know that it will happen. As long as you are happy she will be happy. Her world rotates around you and Brian.

Stacy said...

Hey, its Stacy (corys wife) I looked at Laceys blogg today and also found yours.. I ended up crying when I read this. Mostly because I am also not able to give Constance a sibbling at this time too. I know how tought it is. I feel like a failure too allot for not giving her a sibbling. I know we dont know each other very well, but I am here for you if you ned me.

The Dorsey Clan said...

Suzanne,

You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. I too had them when it was just Morgan and I and I have them today as well. You are an amazing mother and Shae is a perfect little girl. Whether you have one or six kids, you are always going to be wanting more for them. And don't let that spoiled comment get to you. It usually means that the child is well loved and the person saying it is either ignorant or jealous.

I too have been feeling the same way as you recently. I tired planning a birthday party for Robert and realized I have no to invite to a party but adults. Morgan and Robert don't have kids their own age to play with. Robert play's in his room with 'his boys' (imaginary buddies) and I think "What am I doing wrong? He is going to have a terrible birthday and childhood because I have given him no friends to play with." Brian is no help, since he thinks it will be a cheap party if all we need to do is invite imaginary people. I dwelled on it for a while, thinking I was a bad parent because all my kids have to play with is themselves or me. See even with two, you still have those thoughts. :) Finally I decided that the best thing I could do would be to make it a great celebration. Even if it is just the four of us, we will have pictures and Robert will hopefully have memories of his fifth birthday at Knotts Berry Farm. Serves Brian right to think I would ever be cheap.

Mom is right though and you are an amazing mother. <3

The Dearden's said...

Suzanne~ I wish I had some great and amzing insight to offer you, but I really don't. I can tell you are a wonderful mother and are doing everything in your power to raise Shaelar the way Heavenly Father would want her to be raised....therefore you are doing all you can at this particular point in time. We all struggle with down days, over differing things, and I trully believe those days are a test from Satan. Hang in there....the Lord has a plan for you and your darling family! Monica

JENNIFRO said...

Sorry you are going through such hard stuff. I am sure you feel really frustrated and sad at times. It looks like you have a positive outlook overall, though, which is good. I agree with Jenice--she is in her happy little world. Don't feel bad for her--consider her lucky to get to spend such wonderful time with her mom and dad.

P.S. love the chic pink and black!

Annban10 said...

Suzanne-

I'll have to talk to you in person more because their is just too much I want to write you.
I'm grateful that you have journaled down your " sad days "too. We all have them.
There are many people I have sent, or will send to your post today or tommorow. Lots of people share the same feelings as you do.

I have found that I don't believe that their is a " perfect " family situation. Some of my cousins that belong to families with 11 brothers and sisters feel " alone" or that they didn't get enough attention and etc.. ~ And then there are families that have 5 boys and one girl, and then feel guilty that they couldn't ever have another sister... I really think that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and we do the best we can with what we have, and then " Go Forward with Faith " and things will happen in due time if they are supposed to.

I wish I had a " magic " baby wand, and could give all of my friends, and family the wishes they desire, but I do realize that there is a purpose to everything. I will have a few questions when I get to the other side as to why things happened to me at certain times!
Hang in there Suzie!
Love ya girl!!

Lacey said...

Sometimes the only comforting statement I can think of to say is "This to shall pass". I feel like in my life one of the best ways to cope with a trial is to look to my past and remember all the trials I have weathered and to make note to myself that things somehow turned out ok in the end. Just try your darndest to be patient and stay positive because someone up there is making sure everything will work out ok. We love you and and are praying for you.

Clarke & Kamie said...

Hey Suz,
I just looked at your blog today and this posting really touched me. I will never forget Halloween 2006 because Mariko was so old--3 and going trick or treating, and we were really struggling with all our fertility issues. I cried to Heavenly Father that night and was deeper in sadness than I had ever been. Then around Thanksgiving time, I decided to change my attitude and I prayed that I would be understanding and that I would have more faith. I was doing everything I could on my end (being a good wife, mother, fulfilling my calling, etc) and so I was trusting that the Lord would do everything on His end. And now we have 2! Your day will come. It's funny--now that I have a new baby, I kind of mourn the days of when it was just me and Mariko. When you have 2, you will look back at your days with Shaeler with great fondness. Love ya!

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