"Dear Father, bless my child that she may not be alone..."
Today I am really struggling. I am not sure if it is hormones or what, but I am having a hard time today! The worst part of it all, is that I am grieving for my daughter. My heart aches because I cannot provide for her a sibling to have as constant companionship or a friend to play with. I guess it has been a series of events that have led me to this point, so I guess to get this off of my chest, I will explain.
Moment 1- Sometimes Shaeler can be a little stubborn at times and will have some difficulties playing or sharing or has to get her way. Let me remind you, she is 3 years old. A comment I get occasionally is that "well, she's an only child and they can get to be spoiled brats." Ouch! That one hurts on multiple levels. I do agree that yes, she does get her way at home, but what am I suppose to do? Also, if you knew me, you would know that we are trying to add another family member, and statements like that make me feel like a failure. Trust me, this is not a choice that she is an only child.
Moment 2- This morning Shaeler was playing in her bedroom and she has imaginary friends. I thought to myself, alright, she is so creative, she has imaginary friends. And then I broke down because if I could give her anything in the world, it would be a little brother or sister for companionship so she wouldn't have to pretend. Again, I grieve because I cannot provide that for her at this time. It's ok, she doesn't know any better. I guess this is one of the few times that the phrase "ïgnorance is bliss" is acceptable.
Moment 3- Last night I was at Enrichment and talking with a few of the other moms in the ward. One mom has a daughter Shaelers age and her daughter is just a hoot. She was talking about how all of her children have kind of rubbed off on their youngest daughter and she believes has shaped her into the little character she is. I was so envious of her talking about her children and how they take care of each other and affect each other. Again, something that I just cannot provide at this time for Shaeler.
Yes, she does have cousins, but there is a huge age gap and they are moving on with their lives into the teenage things. I cannot express to you how my heart aches when Shaeler is thrown out of a room or told to leave and she comes running to me crying. I guess this may be a touchy issue for me because of the loneliness issues that I deal with. And on their behalf, they are older and have every right to do the older kid things.
I prayed this morning, pleaing with God to put my wants aside and to please bless Shaeler with the blessings she deserves. Maybe I am being too down or selfish today, but I have to remind myself that these are the trials I probably asked for.
One positive hope is that another one of my friends talked to me last night and said that her friend knew a girl that was looking for an open adoption. She said that she said my name. I could have jumped up and kissed her. I figured that when I tell people that we are trying to adopt that they just say Congratulations and move on with their lives. It touched me that she remembered me and said my name. I am extremely grateful just for the thought.
Ok, I feel a little bit better now! I guess I just needed to express my thoughts and let it out! Thank you for bearing with me on that and I promise that I will do much better today!