Sunday, January 24, 2010

Lady MacGyver

I have decided that I will share with you my Macgyver moment I had at the mall. If you can't stand about reading about blood or the word "tampon" then you better stop here. However, it's not what you are thinking. It's not the obvious when those two words are put together. But I will post this warning, just in case you wanted a heads up before you read on, it does get gross at one part. And eww!! Do you really think I would talk about that kind of stuff on a world wide web blog? C'mon now! Where's your head?

Are we still good? Yes? Alrighty then, moving on!

To make a long story short, I bought the wrong pair of jeans at Macey's and decided to head back to the mall to exchange them with this time trying on the new pair of jeans before I bought them. So I head over to the jean section and decide to try a few pairs in the ladies changing room.

As I am putting on a pair of jeans and turn to look at myself in the mirror, I notice that I have a huge GINORMOUS pimple glaring at me on my chin! Just to rewind a little bit that I was having excruciating pain from an internal zit on my chin earlier that day, but it was the deep down kind. Killer! Well the volcanic acid had decided to form a nasty white, oh you know what I am talking about with a gigantic white pimple. The kind that you cannot help but stare at. Yeah! I cannot stand those on my face! I don't care, I can handle blood crusted, or scab covered pimples, but I cannot stomach the large white heads.

Have I grossed you out yet? Wait, it gets a lot worse from here.

Because of my distaste for such lifeforms, I wasn't about to go to the register and have the cashier stare at my large mountain on my chin that may or may not knock over the register as I turn my head. So, I made the decision to pinch the pimple in my public changing stall. There I said it, I pinch my pimples and this was in private public stall. I know that I have now publicly humiliated myself, but I have to draw the line that I will not stand for large volcanic pimples bursting in blasts on other people. Besides, it was going to be a quick squeeze and then the medications and skin cleaning when I got home. Or so I thought!

I did a quick pinch and all heck broke loose! The pressure was so intense from the squeeze that I blasted the mirror with a combination of puss, oil and blood. At first I was taken by surprise by the explosion and how much exploded and COVERED the mirror. I jumped back and thought "Oh no! How am I ever going to clear that mess off the mirror?" Its not like I carry my everyday Windex and paper towels with me all the time. I happened to have left that home the one and only day this happens. Just kidding, I really don't carry cleaning supplies with me.

So, I am tearing through my purse looking for a Kleenex, a piece of paper, SOMETHING to help me get the mirror clean. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, I couldn't find a thing. As I am going through the purse, I notice drops of blood dripping down onto my hands. I look through the junk filled mirror to find that my chin was now bleeding profusely. WHY?? Why does this happen to me? I couldn't wipe it on my shirt or clothing because if I came out of the stall with blood all over my clothes, what would the cash register lady think of me then?

I remembered one time that if you ever spill something big, you can always grab a diaper that will absorb liquids. As I am digging through my purse I notice the emergency tampons I keep in there either for myself or someone else. The only thought that crossed my mind was "absorbs liquids." So I rip open the smallest tampon and stretched it out as far as I could and started to wipe down the mirror. I remember thinking to myself, "Look at you MacGyver! Aren't you the creative one." After the mirror was cleaned off, I held the tampon to my blood dripping chin to get the bleeding to stop. What was this volcanic pimple attached to a main artery or something. I mean, I know head wounds bleed a lot, but does that include acne?

Needless to say, the one tampon was enough to handle the entire mess. I cleaned my self up the best I could and then exchanged the pants. Oh, the humanity of the entire experience. So, do you ask the question: Why on earth would I share such a embarrassing, humiliating moment with all of you?

Because one day, you might find yourself in a pinch with a blood gushing wound, and I want you to think of me and my story and think "maybe a tampon would work in this situation?" You too can be a MacGyver and impress all your friends with your quick thinking and limited supplies in your purse.

Is this story true or false? Go ahead and vote on the poll on my side bar!


Carrie said...

You go girl! I would have done the same thing, except thought about the tampon part. Way to think on your toes!!!

Cherie said...

Ok I don't think I am going to stop laughing for an hour!
OH SUZANNE - THE HUMANITY!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!! (Those are some of my favorite phrases too!!) They just make me laugh all the harder!!

I hope you have ALOT of Zit medicine to put on that "pus-buster!".


heather said...

I gagged reading this. I did. And if it didn't happen to you, it must have happened to someone because really, who could just make something like that up??

Jenice Henrie said...

I just read a blog about a woman who ate her placenta. You're story was gross, but the placenta story even grossed out your dad.

Jenice Henrie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
{Mo} said...

True or not, I'm cracking up....that is SO somthing I would do. Honestly how can you NOT pick at belmishes etc!

Kristen said...

ha ha ha ha ha! i love this story.

Joy For Your Journey said...

You are SO resourceful!! Good job! Sorry about the zit mess though. I hate it when that happens! I will be sure to pack a few tampons from now on just in case.

Heather said...

Hilarious!! Thanks for the tip.

I am going to wait to vote on this one. I want to read the last story. Then I will decided.

Small House said...

OH MY WORD....How funny. Hey but if a tampons all you got, USE IT!
And for sure... I would have popped that zit to!

JENNIFRO said...

I cannot believe these stories--they are hilarious! I can't help but think this is true too! This is so stinkin' funny! You have really made my night catching up on your blog and finding such great reads! Man...I will be stunned if this isn't true.


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