Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Grow Up, Let Down, Set Back, Move Forward.....Part 2

I received a 10:00 pm phone call from Brian in October of 1996.  He was due to come home in 2 weeks from his mission, was calling his parents to finalize plans for their visit to take him home and had heard that I had finally ended my relationship with my boyfriend.  I explained to him that it was final, that I had a mental breakdown this time, I gathered up everything this boy had ever given to me, my sister drove me over to his house and I left everything on his back door.  I was so done.

With a broken heart, I was looking forward to Brian's return, except I was not the only one.  When we drove to the airport to see Brian return home from his mission, the girl he had dated before he left was anxiously waiting at the airplane door to see him too.  Seeing her was detrimental to my self esteem.  I felt worthless.  I felt that I was just a child and I should not have been there.  My confidence was non-existent and I was still putting back together the pieces of a broken heart.  I had convinced myself that if this stupid boyfriend had rejected me, then I was of no worth to anyone else.

I can honestly say, Brian came home and immediately began to work on our relationship.   He has told me that he was trying to show me what a great guy he was and to say that the past boyfriend was a jerk and I was being given so much more from Brian.  But a wounded soul is numb and blind.  I treated him so poorly as we hung out or went out on dates, that it makes me sick to think about what I did.  I regret the way I treated Brian who had been faithful and consistent the entire time. 

Around Christmas time, this same boyfriend made one last appearance in my life.  Brian and I had been dating for about 7 weeks and I still had not healed from rejection.  We even went on a trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister, and even all that time around Brian, we just were not able to click.   By Christmas, this boyfriend professed his love for me again, and I bought into it.  I had to tell Brian that I still had feelings for this other boy and that I had not been able to get over him.  Brian graciously accepted my explanation and walked out my front door with a decision that it was time to move on.  He was done.

I was set to go to Prom with my boyfriend in January.  The day before the dance, I watched this young man clearly flirt with one of my good friends.  It was so clear that his intentions were beyond friendship.  He and this girl walked into the lunchroom together and sat down next to each other with a group of our friends.  I was so furious, I marched up to him and angrily whispered in his ear "if you care anything about me at all, then you will follow me out the door right now, or don't ever bother following me again."  I stomped out of the lunch room, out the front doors of the school and looked behind me to find that no one was there.  I was all alone.  Not even Brian could help me with this one, nor did I think that he wanted to. 

Crushed knowing that my "boyfriend" had just betrayed me once again and my friends at that table were all making fun of me, I knew that I could not walk back into that school.  I drove to my mom's high school where she taught and called my best friend Tim.  I had spent money on a dress, shoes, corsage and I was not going to let it go to waste.  I asked Tim to go to Prom with me and he immediately said yes.  Come to find out some time later, he had a date that night, but cancelled it.  He did all that he could to help me get through the night and I will forever thank him for his kindness.

The good news was, I was now so over this boy.  But what was the damage I had left behind because of my poor decisions?  I had only 1 or 2 friends that I really trusted, and the best friend that was always supporting me in the background was gone.  I had a period that I "rebelled."  Rebelling meaning that I cut my hair short and I wanted to date as many boys as I could.  As I look back, I am betting that my desperation to date so many was so out of character that I drove away boys that would have been just great friends. 

I ran into Brian at the end of January at a Superbowl party and he was there with another girl he had started dating.  It was so awkward, I wanted to throw up.  What on earth had I done?  By April, Easter had come and I found out that Brian's family and this girl's family went down to the cabin together.  My first response was "Good, he needs to date other girls and move on!"  But in the back of my mind, I had the weirdest thought of "If I run into her, I will scratch her eyeballs out!"

What? So not me, and why was I being possessive of Brian?  I turned him down.  It took a little time, but I did have a desire to want to at least be friends with him again.  But, I had no clue on where to start. 

I was invited to go to St. George with my sister and Jordan's family, and Brian was tagging along too.  This was my one chance to talk to him!  What can I possibly say or do to convince him that I missed his friendship and wanted to be friends again.  Would he listen to me?  Would he even care? 

How was this all going to end?

To be continued.......................


Carrie said...

I admit, I am kind of getting a kick out of you retelling this. I have to wonder, where was I during all of this? I remember you going to Senior Ball with Tim and I remember that boyfriend (sadly, a common mistake we share. He did a number on me too, but I am sure you heard otherwise). I should have warned you. I love how the Lord will throw the things and people we need in our life multiple times until we figure it out that we need these people too. I just want you to know I think you are pretty much the awesome sauce! I am so glad that I "found" you again. <3

The Dorsey's said...

I love reading these posts. I know I was there and all, but I was so wrapped up into my own little world I had no clue what was happening to you. I feel so bad, I should have been there for you so much more than I was. But I am thankful that I know this has a happy ending, because "the continues" are killing me with waiting to hear more of the story.

Ann Marie said...

I am interested if the girl you wanted to scratch her eyeballs out is someone I know well... haha

Isn't young love hard?

So grateful I know the ending with this story. It's easier to get through the sad parts...

Haley said...

Alright, I knew part of this, but not all. Can you believe how time has flown!?! It's like reliving part of our senior year. :) Can't wait for the next installment . . .even though I know the outcome. ;)


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