Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Released to Fly

~I once had a dream where I could fly.  I physically knew how to control my body and with the right breath of air, I could lift my body off the ground and soar up to the sky.  I had a full understanding of how the birds could fly in the air and I had joined their kind, free of fear of heights and falling.  In my dream, I was flying around my backyard and I saw Brian's green truck parked in front of my home.  I wanted to fly over to him and tell him that I had the amazing ability to fly freely in the air.  I wanted to talk to him and take him with me so he could feel the joyfulness of being weightless and be amazed at all of the things we could see as we flew above them.  No matter how hard I tried, I could never get to him.  With those feelings of discouragement, I lost my ability of flight and woke up feeling sad as if gravity pins me to the ground and I was robbed of my freedom of flight during my waking existence.~

Jordan's Mission Farewell happened the last weekend of April of 1997.  The open house for his farewell was at the Rentmeister's house.  Not much had happened from our St. George trip to Jordan's farewell, other than I was working very hard on a gift for Brian to try and impress him.  Jordan was at our home all the time, but Brian never came with him.  It was discouraging for me.  I was sure that something had ignited within us both when we were last together.

Jordan's farewell went very well.  As we all gathered at the Rentmeister home, I also had to see the girl Brian was dating.  She was there too.  She was beautiful.  A daughter of friends to the Rentmeister's.  She never really talked to me, but I also knew that she was very nice too.  My mind was flipping back and forth between any action at all, as I knew too well the hurt of being betrayed by someone you really liked and were dating because of another girl.  I never wanted to be "that girl".

If you know me well, you know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I can't hide anything, no matter how hard I try.  In my mind, I convinced myself that I was putting on a great charade of the internal dialogue and battle I was dealing with, but my masquerade shattered when Brian finally came up to me and asked me if I was ok?

"No, I really need to talk to you.  Can we go somewhere to talk?"

I will never forget walking out of the kitchen with Brian and looking at the girl's face as we left.  I had wondered if she was concerned that Brian and I walked out the front door together.  But I had finally reached my point that whatever the outcome will be, I needed to express my feelings and thoughts uninterrupted, so I could finally release it all and be free.  I was tired of the feelings of something holding me down and I knew that it was time to tell him everything and accept whatever the outcome will bring.

We got in my Geo Metro and I drove around the valley.  As I stared at the road ahead of me, while driving, I expressed to Brian everything I had realized and never told him.  I told him that I missed him.  I told him that I missed talking to him.  I told him I missed joking around with him.  I expressed my sorrow for the way I treated him and I told him it was killing me that he was dating others. I told him I wanted to date him again.  There, I said it!  I had finished what I wanted to say! 

I was not prepared for what he said to me next.

"If we do this, we go all the way to marriage."

Whoa!!!!!!  Didn't see that one coming.

I was 17 years old and was dealt my first adult decision to make.

He explained to me that he wasn't interested in a relationship with me that would play games and hurt one another.  He had already wasted enough time with me doing that.  (Uggh! The painful reminder).  He said he would date me if I would take it serious as if we were dating to prepare for marriage.  I knew it wasn't a marriage proposal, but I also knew that if I really wanted Brian that it was time for me to start acting like an adult.

The last step from childhood to adulthood is like a baby bird leaving the nest for the first time.  All decisions, all consequences were of my own.  There comes a time in all of our lives that we have to leave the nest and the safe world we are use to and jump into the unknown and hope that everything you know of how to fly and survive will finally pay off.  Sometimes, adulthood can seem like a free fall to death if you don't ever believe in yourself, expand your wings and fly off on your own.

I remember staring at the stick shift of my car when I agreed to his terms to have him back in my life.  It was a leap of faith for me.  I knew without a doubt, my confirmation back in St. George and was hoping for a second witness, but this time I was left to the faith that I had in myself and in him.  And so I took a deep breath, took a step into the free fall and began to feel the sensation of flight enter into my body again!


Heidi Allen Garvin said...

Beautiful message! I've posted it on our FB page "Mormon Moms'. We'd love for you to join us there.

Thanks for the powerful things you share!


Heidi Allen Garvin said...

I'd also love for you to join us on MormonMomsWhoBlog (aggregate list) and/or LDSPowerBloggers - a new site for LDS bloggers wanting to make a difference. It's a co-op so all are invited to pitch-in for the betterment of everyone else. In exchange for their service - we post their grab button and/or links on our site. We hope this to be a win-win for all. Join us on FB if you'd like to know more. Or see http://ldspowerbloggers.blogspot.com (which will soon be LDSPowerBloggers.com)


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