Below is a journal entry from a very long time ago. I share this only because I believe in the strengthening power of failure and weaknesses. As one that thrives on resiliency, I am a strong believer that sometimes one has to be knocked down to make them stronger and to keep progression moving forward. Since this entry, I have looked at my marriage in a very different perspective, especially if we are arguing and how I am arguing back.
If we are not getting along, then we have to stop and refocus on each other. He is my partner for this life and for eternity. I am accountable to God on how I treat him. I focus on being supportive and loving and a very safe place for him. I have found that when I treat him this way, I get the same in return. I realize he is not perfect. When those moments of heartache come, I turn to Brian to talk it out and allow the Atonement to heal the rest. This has been one of my greatest lessons in life.
"Sorry I haven't written in a few days. I had a very rough weekend, and now life is feeling a bit better. Brian and I had the biggest fight we have ever had in our entire marriage. To the point that we said out loud that we loved each other, but we were not "in love" with each other. No covenants broken, no secrets kept, just we didn't get along.
The hardest part about a conversation like that is that words that can truly express how one feels, cuts deep to the core. It tests what kind of foundation that you stand on for yourself and for your spouse. I cried. I cried for 2 days. It was so hard and difficult and I felt that I was the biggest problem. There was a moment where I packed my bags and was ready to leave.
We agreed that we needed to work on just him and I. As we are both being pulled in our different directions and trying to focus on Shaeler more, we neglected each other. We were warned about that. Honestly, I feel that the Lord allowed this to happen so that our marriage could be strengthened. It is one thing to be happy in marriage when everything is going great, it is another thing to be happy when your marriage is struggling.
Things are a lot better. I had been wondering if I was having pride issues because of my weight loss and new found attention. Trust me, this knocked all and any pride out of me. I am trying to be more helpful to him and he brought me home flowers yesterday. We are trying to communicate more with each other during the day and having morning prayer for just he and I where we pray for just things to help in our relationship.
The adversary sure is working hard in tearing families apart. We were hit from behind and never saw it coming. I should have. But we are on the recovery and the way I see it, it can only get better from here."
I am happy to say that this small moment of darkness, came so many more days of joy, happiness and peace. I am so grateful for Brian Rentmeister. As of today, I am madly in love with him and my love for him is deeper than it ever has been before. He is my best friend and the person I personally feel is an honor to be with. He makes me laugh, he lifts my mood and he is always there for me. I am so grateful for all that I have been given.