Tuesday, March 20, 2012

See You In the Morning!

Every night we gather as a family around Shae's bed and kneel in family prayer.  Sometimes I giggle when she says the family prayer because she says the funniest, most sincere things during our family prayer.  Right now, Shae is on a quest that everyone who needs a home, that Heavenly Father will help them find one.  Random, I know, but we support her desires 100%.

After family prayer, we tuck Shae in bed and she insists that her dad give her a goodnight hug and kiss and then I follow with a goodnight hug and kiss.  I like to add my motherly whispers of "I love you!"  everytime and then as I dim her bedroom light, we love to say to each other "See you in the morning!"

For some reason, I don't want to say good night.  It's seems too final.  What if something happend and that was the last thing we said to each other?  I like the last thought between Shae and I to be one of great hope for the next day and that we look forward to the new adventures that await us.  Tomorrow is exciting and always begins with a hope for something better.

A couple of weeks ago, Brian and I made the final decision to close our adoption profile.  We are just shy of 4 years of trying to adopt and it has come to a point in time that chapter of our lives needs closure.   It's interesting that we have offered our home to any child that would need one.  No, I don't think Shaeler is praying for a baby to come to our house.  I truly belive she is praying for the welfare of all of God's children.  Secretly, I pray for the welfare of God's children too, specifically the babies.

Am I sad? Well, it's hard to describe.  I have been grieving over the loss of my children for 4 years.  I feel like I am past the point of sadness.  I only feel great hope!  I know that there are 2 spirits that are meant to be mine, it's just the timing that has been left undefined.  It is very helpful to love my friend's newborns and children and it has taught me to cherish every single moment in Shae's life because that time will not repeat. 

But the number of my family is not final.  I refuse to say good-bye.  Right now, to my little one's I say:

"I Love You!  See you in the morning!"

And with that, I live my life in peace and happiness!



Ann Marie said...

Since Chad and I started dating.. we have never said "bye" or "Goodbye" to each other either-- for those very same reasons. We always end every phone conversation and everything with "I love you" said last.

It is especially important to me now.. that I realize how short life truly is.

I have grieved for you too Suzie. I wish the desires of your heart were granted in the time frame that you would love.. and I hope to one day be able to witness those rich blessings your heart has desired.

I too have mourned about my children. I hope that whatever my future holds ( with more children or not ) that the Lord knows the desires of my heart.. and we can be blessed if it is meant to be.

I love you-- and am THRILLED to see a post today! Whoo-hoo!!!

Clarke and Kamie said...

you are so sweet. I needed to read this today. even though I have 3, I have fertility issues and would love more--just doesn't come easy. It gives me sadness and comfort at the same time to hear others struggles. wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! We've decided to "close the book" in January if it hasn't happened--just too much pain to leave that door open. We need to move on and enjoy what we have. I guess everybody has a "bag of rocks" that aren't very much fun to carry around. Enjoy that sweet girl of yours!!! You are blessed to have her!

Mackenzie said...

What a brave, difficult decision. I admire you so. Love you.

Lisel said...

You have such amazing faith and optimism that I admire so much! What a beautiful post. My heart breaks for you and all of those who are praying for more spirits to come to their family. Because infertility has only been a part of my life through those I care about, I can only imagine the sorrow and emotions you have been through. You are an amazing woman and mother, and you have a beautiful family. I will continue to pray and hope for you!

Cefalo Family said...

I did not suffer from infertility but I did wait a long time to be able to have children in my life. We all have trials whether they be longing to be married, having children etc. What I have learned is the Lord has a plan for each one of us and although it may be not the one we would choose he loves us and see the grand scheme of things. Had I of known 5 years ago my plan that I soon would meet a wonderful righteous man with 5 children and then add 2 of our own I would have thought it was crazy. It has been such a blessing and humbled that I was prepared for what was to come. I sure admire all you girls I grew up with and know that you too have the loving arms of Heavenly Father surrounding you. Hugs!

JENNIFRO said...

Wow... what a beautiful post. Your hopeful farewell to Shae each night is so symbolic of putting your adoption efforts to the side for now. That gave me chills. You are really brave and wise and I admire your ability to do what you feel is right. It's so hard sometimes. You're a good one.. love ya.


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