Every night we gather as a family around Shae's bed and kneel in family prayer. Sometimes I giggle when she says the family prayer because she says the funniest, most sincere things during our family prayer. Right now, Shae is on a quest that everyone who needs a home, that Heavenly Father will help them find one. Random, I know, but we support her desires 100%.
After family prayer, we tuck Shae in bed and she insists that her dad give her a goodnight hug and kiss and then I follow with a goodnight hug and kiss. I like to add my motherly whispers of "I love you!" everytime and then as I dim her bedroom light, we love to say to each other "See you in the morning!"
For some reason, I don't want to say good night. It's seems too final. What if something happend and that was the last thing we said to each other? I like the last thought between Shae and I to be one of great hope for the next day and that we look forward to the new adventures that await us. Tomorrow is exciting and always begins with a hope for something better.
A couple of weeks ago, Brian and I made the final decision to close our adoption profile. We are just shy of 4 years of trying to adopt and it has come to a point in time that chapter of our lives needs closure. It's interesting that we have offered our home to any child that would need one. No, I don't think Shaeler is praying for a baby to come to our house. I truly belive she is praying for the welfare of all of God's children. Secretly, I pray for the welfare of God's children too, specifically the babies.
Am I sad? Well, it's hard to describe. I have been grieving over the loss of my children for 4 years. I feel like I am past the point of sadness. I only feel great hope! I know that there are 2 spirits that are meant to be mine, it's just the timing that has been left undefined. It is very helpful to love my friend's newborns and children and it has taught me to cherish every single moment in Shae's life because that time will not repeat.
But the number of my family is not final. I refuse to say good-bye. Right now, to my little one's I say:
"I Love You! See you in the morning!"
And with that, I live my life in peace and happiness!