There is so much that I wish that I was recording. I always think in the back of my mind that I should blog this or that for the sheer purpose of my personal history. Now that my following has dropped down to 1, oh wait maybe two or three (wave to my followers), I am kind of excited that maybe this means that my life will stay personal and intimate. The way I really have found I prefer things to be. Here are my random thoughts for this time.
1. I have been thinking a lot about the relationships in my life. Family, friends, young women, leaders, other adults, co-workers, strangers etc. For some time, I have been placed in a position that I am around a lot of people a lot of the time. With most of my relationships and the responsibilities that I have, I find that Heavenly Father has given me a role in needing to lift others, give praise and love unconditionally. It is a humbling experience in which I am so grateful for and in awe that I have been given such an opportunity to learn. It has taught me that being in tune with my heart is the most important characteristic that I can gain. Even when there are some that use me, say unkind things to me or about me, I am learning that it really isn't about me, nor should it affect my attitude or response. The last month, I have had moments of utter humiliation and that my weaknesses can be very apparent. I am so grateful to those who reach out and lift me when I am down. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am also grateful that a very loving Father in Heaven keeps me in check with humility and on focus of my life mission. I happily accept the role of giving to others, but I am also grateful for those who take the time to fill my cup to help me along.
2. I started chemo today. Now don't get in a panic, it is for a wart on my finger and I apply it externally. I went to the dermatologist a few days ago again for a wart whom I have refer to as Voldermort or V that has been growing on my finger for the last couple of years. So technically, V has started chemo. What I was hoping for a quick visit to freeze and be done with, turned to an exposure of V grows like cancer, the excizema I have been hiding for years has been found out and the disappointment that the only facial cleanser that has worked for me has stopped all productions and communication with the outside world. I walked out with creams that have steroids, chemo and a coupon with no facial wash. I feel jipped. The big zit under my lip is just salt to the wound.
3. I'm trying to think of the best way to phrase this, but words cannot express enough the love that I feel for Shaeler right now. This year, she has changed immensely not only physically but emotionally and mentally. She thinks more maturely in many ways and I find that she and I are laughing All.The.Time. She is so responsible and lately has been so willing to be obedient and good. The other day, she brought me her allowance that she gets with her PPI with her dad and said she wanted to help the family with a goal we are working on. She placed the money on our white board and marked it for it's purpose. 4 months ago, that money would have bought a few candy bars and stuffies at the $1.00 store. My heart leaps as she is so giving and compassionate and understands the things that Brian and I are trying to teach her. It is such a bittersweet edge to be her mother. I am so excited for her future and to watch her grow and yet at the exact same moment, I grieve as my baby is growing up. We have big plans for our Christmas video of things that make us laugh, songs we sing together and quotes we bounce off of each other. She is the coolest cat I know! ;)
4. The last couple of weeks, the birds have been out in masses in the fields around my house. I love, love, love to see them all lined up on the electrical wires or flying in big masses in the air. For some reason, I feel extremely happy seeing those birds. I swear, I must have been part of the bird making during the creation. I can't help but be hypnotized by all types of birds, chickens especially. Whenever we see a bunch of birds together, we always yell out "Bird Party!" Shaeler even made a bird feeder in a plastic cup and hung it in a bush in our backyard. I may just sprinkle seed all over the back porch and have a hay day watching them. It just hit me that maybe I am drawn to birds because of my flying dreams.....hmmm. Going to think about that one.
5. Brian. Oh, how I love Brian. They say that the 13th year of marriage is doomed for bad luck (knock on wood) but this last year our relationship has reached a new level. We have both stepped outside of our comfort zones and it has made all the difference in the world. I find the greatest joy in helping him, supporting him and loving him. In return, he has really stepped up to the plate in fulfilling my needs and recognizing things that make me happy. It's a different kind of love that I have never experienced before and it is fantastic. I have seen such growth and maturity in him that I feel so safe and loved. He is my soft place to fall, my protector and he loves me. It has been quite the journey to get to this point, but I wouldn't trade it for all the puppy love or twittered payted feelings in the world. He is the best thing for me and I love him with all my heart.
6. I want to document that this was the first presidential election that I really got involved with the candidates, the issues and educating myself on topics, decisions and powers that affect my life. I will say that the night of the elections, I cried and felt a deep despair of hopelessness. But a few days following, I was blessed to be taught of a bigger picture and now I feel extremely optimistic and motivated. The is a great work ahead of us and now is the time to get ourselves in order and do what we have been asked to do. I have an overwhelming sense of being responsible, teaching others to be responsible and to go out into the world and live your dreams. The best lessons come from the hardest experiences and the greater the fall the better the triumph. How blessed we are to live at this time of the world. I'm ready to get to work! Are you?
Thanks for lending me your listening ear. I appreciate you stopping by. I hope you have a wonderful weekend and hopefully I will post again very soon. Why do I feel like this is an inner dialogue? Oh, well. I end with a quote from one of my favorite musicals "Now is the time to Seize the Day!"